Are you a major sports franchise wanting to relocate? Come on down to Florida.
Yes, we want you here. In fact, we want you here so much that we’ll give you lots of money, including cash for a new stadium or years and years of tax relief. You may have to agree to provide a certain number of jobs. But don’t worry, if you fall short we’ll often look the other way.
You can be sure we’ll try hard to attract you, because we know there are other states and major cities that would be delighted to have you move to them. And they’re also enticing you with big giveaways.
You can count on us to make our offer attractive. After all, it has to overcome any hesitancy you might have about moving to a state which shortchanges its schools, its medical care, its affordable housing, its mental health support, its transportation system, its roads, and its inclusiveness. And because of all these savings there’s the big plus: When you get here your tax bill will be small. We’ll always have your back as far as taxes are concerned. We have a long history of kowtowing to business at the expense of our people.
And don’t worry about any political upheavals in the future. We’ve done everything we can to rig the voting system here. You can count on Republican control for as far ahead as you can see. Our state is now more red than purple, but, even if it were still on the fence, it wouldn’t matter because we have a lock on both legislative houses through voting districts we’ve created despite court rulings and which we plan to make even more biased in the upcoming redistricting process.
Some say states and cities shouldn’t be competing with incentives to bring in businesses. That they should all agree not to do it. After all, why should governments reward some businesses over others. Well, that’s a joke. You know it and we know it. We will compete. And here in Florida we know we have a big advantage because of our wonderful weather and beautiful beaches.
Now we realize you’ve probably heard about our algae problem that has harmed many of our waterways and the red tides blanketing some of our beaches, as well as our general indifference to preserving the once beautiful environment of our state. But that’s a big plus for you, yet another clear indication of our friendly attitude toward business. After all, we have shown over and over that it is more important to allow pollution than it is to censure an outfit that provides strong political donations.
You can be assured that if you support us sufficiently with your own donations, we will respond by giving you virtually anything you want.
So come on down. We’ll pay you to relocate and obey your commands once you’re here. And it will cost you only a few hundred thousand a year.
Now that’s a good deal for all of us.