For almost four years I have been the best president this nation has ever had.
It is fortunate I was president when we had that Kung-flu scare because my wonderful leadership has brought us through, and we are better off now than ever, better than any other country in the world. The Democrats caused the economy to take a bad hit, but I will have it more robust than ever very, very soon.
I have created jobs by eliminating unnecessary environmental protections and I will continue to do so. This has resulted in a wonderful improvement in our ability to expand our carbon emissions, pollute our rivers and lakes, and increase the toxicity of the air we breathe. These positive moves have enabled our businessmen, especially my friends that are in the highest income brackets, to further concentrate the nation’s wealth in their hands.
I have made great strides in eliminating influence from the generals, many of whom are overrated and know less than I do about military strategy. There is further work required in this area and I promise you I will not let the armed services abandon their duty to keep ordinary people in line. Protests in the future, for example, will be crushed with the maximum possible force using our great soldiers. Generals who don’t respect my orders in every way will be gone within the year.
I have accomplished much, with the assistance of the Secretary of Education who has always adored me, in destroying our public school system. This work will continue so more of my friends, including the Secretary, can cash in on the private school voucher system.
I have begun the difficult process of eliminating the free press which has never been fair to me. They have pointed out what they call my lies, my inconsistencies, and my failings. Since I never lie, am never inconsistent, and have no failings, that is reason enough to crush them. They don’t know how to deal with someone who is as amazing as I am. We will soon ask the Supreme Court to shut down any media outlet that attacks me.
Speaking of the Supreme Court, I have packed it and the lower courts with non-thinking partisans whose only goal is to advance our nation in whatever ways I think is right. They have assured me they will not consider precedent or merit.
I expect them to eliminate the protections of the First Amendment, and to strengthen the Second Amendment. I promise you, everyone who wants a gun will be able to have as many as desired without pesky background checks. Stand Your Ground rules will be expanded so anyone opposed to a law-abiding gun owner can be shot in the back in the name of self-defense.
I promise you that my attempts to encourage those very fine people who hate Blacks and Jews and gays will continue. Now I love Black people, myself. I even have one, what’s his name, oh never mind, I know he’s some kind of secretary in the cabinet. There has never been a president, with the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln, who has done more for Blacks. No, not even him. It’s wonderful how far they’ve come under my administration. Of course, we have to get rid of those rowdy ones who often protest in our streets. As I said, before long the military will be empowered to deal with them.
I will continue my love affair with some of the worst dictators in the world because I admire their ability to get things done and keep their people in line. And I’m not going to waste my time with so called allies because they don’t spend enough money in the way I want them to, and besides their incompetent leaders don’t like me.
I know some of you are concerned about recent polls. Do not worry. They are the result of fake media and criminal Democrats. I can tell you I already have instituted many voter suppression methods, and more are coming. If we need further help, I will unleash the awesome power I have to declare a state of emergency and delay or eliminate the upcoming election.
So, my worshiping Americans, I accept the nomination for a second term as President. I can assure you the Supreme Court will decree that four years is not long enough to accomplish all our goals and I will be designated as President for Life.
So shout over and over our new slogan: FUND AMERICA’S INTERESTS LAST. FUND AMERICA’S INTERESTS LAST. Let’s hear it: FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.
Now here’s an invitation just for my rich friends. Let’s go to my hotel and have a party and you can tell me how wonderful I am.