The newly inaugurated president turned to his Chief of Staff and said, “First thing I want to do today, Susie, is fill some cabinet positions. Do you have the application for candidates to fill out?”
“Yes, sir. Different versions for different positions. We’re using ones that have been employed in the past, with appropriate modifications.”
“All right, let’s start with the Secretary of Defense.”
She let in the first candidate and gave him the form. She told him, “Just put your answers to the requests in the space provided.”
He took the form and after a glance seemed confused, not sure how to answer some of the statements. Seeing and understanding his confusion she clarified, “Oh, don’t’ worry about the ones that have an ‘(X)’ in front. The President isn’t interested in those. Just respond to any others.”
With this advice, it didn’t take him long. When he was done, the Chief of Staff took it to the President. He glanced at it, returned it to Susie, and issued the order, “This satisfies all my criteria for a Cabinet appointee. We’ll take him.”
Interested in what had so pleased her boss, she took a look at the submitted questionnaire. And here it is, along with the candidate’s responses. Remember, he was not asked to comment on the ones with an ‘(X)’ in the front.
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Name Pete Hegseth
(X) What is your experience in leading an organization having millions of employees?
(X) Explain how you would handle a presidential decision you felt would endanger the United States or violate the Constitution.
(X) How would you build armed forces that involved all who wanted to serve their country, including women and those with nonstandard lifestyles.
(X) How would you best protect the armed forces when questioned by the press?
(X) How would you ensure that all communications involving national security are carried out on secure equipment?
How would you work with the President?
I believe my job is to accept without question whatever view the President has. I promise to do no original thinking. When he is nasty, I will adopt the same tone as his against individuals or the Press. I will rid the armed forces of all deviants as well as women. While I have not ever directed a unit anywhere near as large as the defense department, I am not worried because I will simply follow the orders of the President. In short, I promise to be a complete toady.
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Just as she finished glancing at the questionnaire, the President again popped out of his office and said, “Okay, Susie, now let’s get us an equally qualified Attorney General.